Change is abound; in the air, with the weather and with our lives. Mommy returns to work tomorrow....big sigh....I never imagined myself as a stay at home mom. I love my career and really didn't understand why people wanted to be home full time with a child (especially when there was only one, haha!) Oh how that has changed! What I wouldn't do for another 12 months with the girls. It's just not possible. And on the eve of my return to work, I keep wishing and hoping I will win the lottery or even have someone sponsor me- all I need is bills paid, and I could be home with my babies. But being a grownup doesn't seem to work that way.
It doesn't seem right going back, we are just getting going. We are just at the fun stage of teaching (our newest tricks are pointing one finger up when you ask the girls how old they are, saying & playing ball and we're working on the word yes). The babies give back so much. Another friend and a twin mom told me that is when the world changed, when the rewards started coming back. It started with that first smile and now they are so close to standing on their own, to walking, to new teeth...and I won't be here for it. Sure, I will get to see it on evenings and weekends. Not the same. I know a zillion and ones moms and dads before me have done this, returned to work, and a zillion more will be doing it. I just didn't imagine that it would hurt this much. I've cried on and off for two days. I've had a headache that doesn't seem to end.
The good news is that they will be with Daddy or Mommy most of the time. They will be in their own house. We don't have to add packing up two babies, getting food ready, and adding all that comes with leaving the house every day. My hope is that Mommy and Daddy are not going to be exhausted from working two full time jobs, keeping up with two growing toddlers, an energetic dog and keeping the house moderately clean. I'm not going to worry about how I can continue to breastfeed and pump. I'm just going to do it and see what happens.
I'm trying to be present. I can be a bitch, a crab and I usually end up taking it out on those I love most. As my husband and my brother can confirm. I'm thinking about learning to mediate (maybe), reading a lot and relating to mindful parenting. To me, it means to learn about staying in the moment, staying present and appreciation. I am still working on patience and balance; there will be lots to test these skills in the weeks ahead.
This quote from Gina at The Twin Coach resonated deeply with me.
"I'm simply working at being able to notice all these little pieces of the day, so I don't let one moment in time, that isn't going as I wish, destroy the million little, beautiful moments that surround it."
On that note, I am off to finish a few things, pump some milk for my girls and head to bed. Probably with a few tears on my pillow tonight.