Life looks and feels different these days. I'm back to work, six days in. I am no longer home with girls full time and have passed that torch to Daddy. It was unbelievably hard walking out the door the first day returning to work. Everything seemed to go wrong- I overslept and the babies woke up and wanted milk right after I had pumped. I arrived at work, later than planned, with butterflies that felt like the first day of school. After a few bouts of tears, a cup of tea from a thoughtful friend, warm hellos and great conversations, the butterflies went to sleep and things worked out good.
I'm trying to keep mindful and present in the day. It is easy to be present when I'm playing peek-a-boo or stacking cups. I'm learning to be present when sitting in 3 or 4 hour meetings. I have to work differently than I ever have. I have to leave at certain times or hubby doesn't get to work on time. I'm putting 8 hours a day in, just doing it differently. I have to pump at certain times in the day or I am uncomfortable and I seem to mess up my milk supply. We are continuing to breastfeed for a bit longer; there is no timeline on it at this point. That is a whole other conversation- the judgments that are in society for breastfeeding toddlers.
The babies are thriving with Daddy and he is doing an awesome job. Everyone is always happy when I return home. Yes, the house might not be as I would have had it and there may be dirty faces but there is happiness.
We are trying to fit in cleaning, groceries, meal preparation, family time, volunteering, exercise and the basics that are part of life. I'm trying not to judge myself and not judge my husband; trying to be less critical. I'm trying to breathe more and be less bitchy.
Weekends are not long enough. Time travels at warp speed and it seems Friday just arrives and it is Monday morning.
The girls are delightful these days; sleeping through the night and very entertaining. I had no idea how exciting a high five could be, how terrifying it is to walk behind a baby (or two babies!) climbing up the stairs and the wonderful hugs that I get, especially when returning home. There really are no words for how amazing and great they are.
Everyone tells me to be gentle with myself, be patient. I'm trying. Our new normal seems to have a lot of "trying" things out in it. We'll get there, each day at a time.