Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Our New Normal ....I'm trying

Life looks and feels different these days. I'm back to work, six days in. I am no longer home with girls full time and have passed that torch to Daddy. It was unbelievably hard walking out the door the first day returning to work. Everything seemed to go wrong- I overslept and the babies woke up and wanted milk right after I had pumped. I arrived at work, later than planned, with butterflies that felt like the first day of school. After a few bouts of tears, a cup of tea from a thoughtful friend, warm hellos and great conversations, the butterflies went to sleep and things worked out good.

I'm trying to keep mindful and present in the day. It is easy to be present when I'm playing peek-a-boo or stacking cups. I'm learning to be present when sitting in 3 or 4 hour meetings. I have to work differently than I ever have. I have to leave at certain times or hubby doesn't get to work on time. I'm putting 8 hours a day in, just doing it differently. I have to pump at certain times in the day or I am uncomfortable and I seem to mess up my milk supply. We are continuing to breastfeed for a bit longer; there is no timeline on it at this point. That is a whole other conversation- the judgments that are in society for breastfeeding toddlers.

The babies are thriving with Daddy and he is doing an awesome job. Everyone is always happy when I return home. Yes, the house might not be as I would have had it and there may be dirty faces but there is happiness.

We are trying to fit in cleaning, groceries, meal preparation, family time, volunteering, exercise and the basics that are part of life. I'm trying not to judge myself and not judge my husband; trying to be less critical. I'm trying to breathe more and be less bitchy.

Weekends are not long enough. Time travels at warp speed and it seems Friday just arrives and it is Monday morning.

The girls are delightful these days; sleeping through the night and very entertaining. I had no idea how exciting a high five could be, how terrifying it is to walk behind a baby (or two babies!) climbing up the stairs and the wonderful hugs that I get, especially when returning home. There really are no words for how amazing and great they are.

Everyone tells me to be gentle with myself, be patient. I'm trying. Our new normal seems to have a lot of "trying" things out in it. We'll get there, each day at a time.

Monday, September 5, 2011

September Adventures

Change is abound; in the air, with the weather and with our lives. Mommy returns to work tomorrow....big sigh....I never imagined myself as a stay at home mom. I love my career and really didn't understand why people wanted to be home full time with a child (especially when there was only one, haha!) Oh how that has changed! What I wouldn't do for another 12 months with the girls. It's just not possible. And on the eve of my return to work, I keep wishing and hoping I will win the lottery or even have someone sponsor me- all I need is bills paid, and I could be home with my babies. But being a grownup doesn't seem to work that way.

It doesn't seem right going back, we are just getting going. We are just at the fun stage of teaching (our newest tricks are pointing one finger up when you ask the girls how old they are, saying & playing ball and we're working on the word yes). The babies give back so much. Another friend and a twin mom told me that is when the world changed, when the rewards started coming back. It started with that first smile and now they are so close to standing on their own, to walking, to new teeth...and I won't be here for it. Sure, I will get to see it on evenings and weekends. Not the same. I know a zillion and ones moms and dads before me have done this, returned to work, and a zillion more will be doing it. I just didn't imagine that it would hurt this much. I've cried on and off for two days. I've had a headache that doesn't seem to end.

The good news is that they will be with Daddy or Mommy most of the time. They will be in their own house. We don't have to add packing up two babies, getting food ready, and adding all that comes with leaving the house every day. My hope is that Mommy and Daddy are not going to be exhausted from working two full time jobs, keeping up with two growing toddlers, an energetic dog and keeping the house moderately clean. I'm not going to worry about how I can continue to breastfeed and pump. I'm just going to do it and see what happens.

I'm trying to be present. I can be a bitch, a crab and I usually end up taking it out on those I love most. As my husband and my brother can confirm. I'm thinking about learning to mediate (maybe), reading a lot and relating to mindful parenting. To me, it means to learn about staying in the moment, staying present and appreciation. I am still working on patience and balance; there will be lots to test these skills in the weeks ahead.

This quote from Gina at The Twin Coach resonated deeply with me.
"I'm simply working at being able to notice all these little pieces of the day, so I don't let one moment in time, that isn't going as I wish, destroy the million little, beautiful moments that surround it."

On that note, I am off to finish a few things, pump some milk for my girls and head to bed. Probably with a few tears on my pillow tonight.