Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Goodbye August

Goodbye August. You've been a good month. You've had a few moments where the days seemed longer than usual but I will miss you. You are a month of celebrating; of celebrating anniversaries (happy 5 years hubby), of reflecting and celebrating G & R (happy 1st birthday my girls) and of home ownership. You have been a busy month for us- with babies on the move more and more, new teeth, new words, new developments and new experiences. You've been a month where we have battled thrush and viral infections. Where the babies have tried new foods, enjoyed swims in oceans and lakes and lots of summer walks.

In August, even the beer tastes better, especially on a hot summer day.

It was also a month of loss- Goodbye Jack Layton. I'm still processing, still in disbelief and still not sure how to describe the impact of a man I have never met. I've watched the funeral twice, cried many tears and will have to leave it at that for now.

It's a month of preparing to return to work, to a new routine and to getting through the days in a different way.

Brigadoon Children's Camp Society opened this month too; a dream of Dave McKeage that has come to reality. I have goosebumps when I think of it and can't believe that I walked the grounds, into the cabins, onto the lake where Brigadoon has been built. Amazing. Inspiration to believe in your dreams and the power of accomplishment when you follow through.

Goodbye August. I will miss you and look forward to your return next year.

"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day I can hear her breathing." Arundhati Roy

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Happy 1st Birthday G & R

Today our girls celebrated turning one. Well, we celebrated, and to them it was just another day. A day where Mommy and Daddy were a bit more silly, Mommy cried and looked a lot of photos, there were a lot of songs and teaching of the number "1". I can remember the day of their birth like it was yesterday, yet I can not believe how fast this year has gone by.

It was a year of ups and downs, of moments where I didn't think I would ever learn to feed my children through breastfeeding, have them go to sleep on their own or sleep through the night ourselves. Now breastfeeding is done with ease (and we are going to continue until the girls or mommy is ready to wean), sleep is a regular, predictable part of our lives and we happily sleep through the night.

The year has taught me a lot about myself; as a mother and a woman. It has taught me a lot about my relationship with my husband. I have realized who my true friends are and who I am fortunate to have in my life. This one was one of the harder lessons; people I would have called friends before the girls arrived are now acquaintances in my life. Which I am ok with, it just took a bit of learning on my part. I've learned to change my expectations of myself and of the world around me.

The biggest ah ha I have had has been how much I love my two little humans. I knew I would love them and I already felt I knew them before they were in my arms. I was not prepared for the immense, numbing at times, love. I still am in disbelief at times that I am a mother, and a mother to two beautiful girls. I feel complete, have a new perspective and a new outlook.

My hope for the girls is that they can continue to grow and make the world a better place that it was simply by being in it and living life to the best of their abilities.

One of our favorite books to read, is On the Day You Were Born, written and illustrated by Debra Frasier. The lyric text welcomes each child to the every day miracles of planet Earth – the sun, moon, North Star, wind, rain, tides and the circle of people awaiting each child. The line that brings tears to my eyes with each read sums up the feelings of every day, but especially as we celebrate their first birthday.

.....And as they held you close they whispered in your open, curving ear," We are so glad you've come!"

Thank you my sweet girls....looking forward to many more celebrations in the years ahead.

Friday, August 12, 2011

3 Weeks, 4 Days and Counting.....

My life these days is about lists and a countdown. A countdown to returning to work full time outside the home. A countdown that makes tears come to my eyes, is filled with guilt and evokes a huge sigh from me. A countdown that I never thought I would dread. I never have seen myself as a stay at home mom. I LOVE work, I LOVE my job, my co-workers and at times over the years, I have likely loved it a bit too much. I don't think I realized how much I would LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom. Work feels like an interruption in our plan but I have to return to work; our lives and our bank account will not survive too long without it. As the days wind down, I find myself selfishly wanting to freeze time, to spend every minute with G & R and to not have the nights turn into a new day where I am closer to leaving them.

And at the same time, I am in need of a break, a change. Not that work will be a break but it will be a different activity where I use different parts of me.

I broke this week. It was the cumulation of everything, of working on the girls baby books and realizing all we went through, reliving some of it all and having sadness that I won't be in the baby stage again. It's mixed emotions of leaving them during the day, for 5 whole days every week and of trying to figure out how am I going to continue to breastfeed, work, pump, make sure everyone has food and clean clothes and all the other tasks that life has for us. I'm slowly realizing that there are some things that are going to have to go on the backburner- my trips to the gym, computer time, and maybe even the odd shower or two :) And what if someone gets sick.....that doesn't fit in my schedule so I don't know how we will cope with that!

It's the realization that we live far from family and far from helping hands. Any hands I get to help, I'll have to find them, interview them, trust them and then leave them alone with my babies. I am sure the first time or two I will worry nonstop that they will take my beautiful girls. Rational me tells me to relax and that everyone does this and it will be fine. The mommy in me has her heart breaking with the thought of this.

So we have a plan. I am going to work full time, my husband is going to work full time. I'll do days at work, he'll do evenings and weekends. That equation leads to pretty near no family time, zero sleep in time and gratitude that the grocery stores are open 24 hours a day so we can shop when life permits. I am happy that the girls are going to be with one of their parents for 99% of the time. And the days when we can't be with them, we are just going to have to learn a new way of doing things. I just wish it didn't hurt my heart so much to think of it!

As for me and the break, not sure how I am going to build that in but we are committed to finding a way. I love love my girlies and I need a small break to be the best mommy I can be. Just a few hours without thinking of who needs to be fed when, of breastfeeding and changing two 11.5 month olds. It has become an olympic workout to breastfeed the two of them at once or attempt to change diapers. There seems to be no element of distraction powerful enough to engage them.

But tonight, we sleep and tomorrow we tackle the list again! Hopefully with crossing off a few accomplishments each day, the anxiety will get less and everything will fall into place.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

A Mid Summer Night

I didn't sit down to update the blog tonight. I sat down with the intention to work on the never ending list of things that need attention around the house and in our lives. I wanted to work on accomplishing a few things off "the list" but instead I am working on the babies books and looking at old photos. It is so hard to believe the girls are 11.5 months old; time evaporates. I am not sure where August came from so quickly!

In July, we celebrated the babies baptism into the Anglican Church. It was a great day, low key and more meaningful than I thought it would be. I have an up and down relationship with God, the Church and my beliefs shift and change. For some reason that I can't fully put into words, it did feel important for me to have them baptized. We had dresses made out of my wedding dress and my mother's- they turned out beautiful. The babies share two godmothers and a godfather; 3 people who have been great support, friends and who are important in our lives.

July also had the girls an unknown GI bug that has continued into August. This is one of the hardest times to be a twin mommy; when they are both not feeling 100% and sick at the same time. Our dreams of sleeping through the night have not yet returned as the bug is waking them up at night. Hoping they turn and leave it behind soon.

I also left the babies for the first time overnight, for two nights- 42 hours to be exact. Daddy has been away from them on occasion when we have traveled home and he has stayed put for work and school. The girls stayed with my parents, Grammy and Grampy and took Phineas the dog along. I was completely comfortable leaving them, knowing they were in perfect hands. We had asked my parents in February when U2 was announced to come to New Brunswick. Mommy and Daddy went off to the U2 concert. It was an amazing event! I had to pump all weekend to keep my supply up, that was an interesting task at an outdoor concert! The smiles on the faces of the girls when we drove up to pick them up was beyond words; I had goosebumps. They were hanging out on the deck with my parents and their little legs started going with excitement when we got out of the car, it made me want to melt with happiness.

Although there have been days that I have been wishing time away, I now want it to slow down to a crawl or even pause. I return to work in 5 weeks. We're lucky the girls will be with one of us, but my heart jumps a bit when I think of how busy the fall is going to be. It's our world and we will make it work, somehow.

We're almost a year to the day when we first met our beautiful G & R. August is about being present, enjoying the moments and days with the girls, with each other and celebrating how far we have come as a family.